I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
