Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize