Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We're too hungover to prance.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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