If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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