I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
