If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
