you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
