What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
