I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
