please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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