ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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