I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Ladies don't puke and tell
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
