Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize