you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
