I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
