what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
