Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
