Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
