all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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