i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
