Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Brb crying the tears of my youth
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Randomize
