his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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