he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
