I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
