So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
