I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
