Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
