You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
