just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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