Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
