listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
