i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
