dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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