I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
