My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
