if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
