he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
