Someone shit on the floor
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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