Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
