Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
