He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
