Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
