I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
