I wanna passion pit in your ass
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
