Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
