remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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