Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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