That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
