i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
