Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
