I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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