my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize