I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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