Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
