i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
