i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
