Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize